Caravan Club in Lone Woman Shock

As soon as I got the BWV, I joined the Caravan Club. They have loads of big smart sites all over the UK, little over £10 a night (and sometimes less) and also a huge number of 'Certified Locations' which are small fields that take a maximum of 5 units (get with the technical vocabulary: there'll be more). So far, it's been invaluable as a way of finding nice quiet sites, and I can choose between being away from it all (translate: beautiful, but may be no facilities, not even a loo) or being in civilisation (laundry, electricity, showers and hairdryers) depending on the state of my physical self and wardrobe.

There is one thing about camping in this way, though: I have joined a self-selecting group in which I'm a bit of a misfit. Since the Caravan Club doesn't allow car-and-tent camping on its sites, everyone here has a BWV - either a caravan or a motorhome (I used to call caravans 'Trailers' but this doesn't go down well with the owners: apparently trailers are those things built by Ifor Evans and mainly used for transporting sheep and bags of cattle-cake). And the people who buy BWVs are typically retired couples who've paid off the mortgage, and have now invested in something to do on their retirement. There are no surfer dudes in VWs or earnest chaps in waterproofs or groups of Dutch girls on bikes or groups of lads from Falkirk out on a bender with a tent. It is expensive BWVs as far as the eye can see. Which makes me the youngest person on the site by about 10 or 15 years at least. It is a veritable sea of M&S beige and pale khaki leisure gear. Many of the couples match, almost down to a hair.

So I am quite singular as (a) young (ish) and (b) a lone female. I have now been on five sites and haven't met a single other LF (I've met one LM). In my position as observer, I feel I'm now in a position to pronounce that the gender gap is alive and well in Caravan Club membership.

So here's what men do: drive, empty the loo cassette, handle all the Aqua-Kem loo chemicals, reverse the van, fetch water, empty waste water, put up the awning (issuing instructions to Wife), do barbecue, do things with cables, carry gas canisters, climb up and fiddle with the TV aerial, put the chairs out, be in Charge of the Route Plan.

The women take the dog on its last walk, cook (except barbecue), shop, make tea, brush and hoover out the van, take out the rubbish, do laundry, empty things out of the car boot, pack things back in the car boot, stand behind the van making gestures while Husband reverses, comment on route, advise on picture quality while Husband fiddles with TV aerial, tells Husband where everything he needs for the barbecue is (he can usually locate the barbecue itself without help).

Men, in general, aren't allowed in the fridge (except perhaps to get the milk) or in any of the internal cupboards in the van ('You with your big paws in there, messing everything about') and women aren't allowed in any of the external flap down ones for Outdoor Things ('I was only getting a chair' 'Yes, but I know where everything is in there, so come out and let me'). I have met one gay couple, but I didn't get to talk to them enough to find out how they divide the tasks up - and who's allowed in which cupboards. Maybe it's a paradise of share-and-share alike.

Now this is the bit that is potentially unfair on men, because if I was a Lone Male nobody would have batted an eyelid. But I have realised as I go North that me and Bon are causing something of a sensation. The Woman who Does It All and her Amazing Faithful Dog. At my last site, nobody talked to me much at first, but by my second day quite a few women were coming up to say words to the effect of 'Good for you hen, you go for it' and casting covert glances at Him Indoors. I got the definite vibe that if some of them were younger (or even if not), they might quite like to take the dog in the BWV and leave the husband at home. Perhaps locked in the greenhouse where he can't mess up the kitchen.

So I do feel I am observed as I go about my daily business. But rather than feeling uncomfortable, I feel quite looked-after. Over the last two days, I've been asked several times how my walk went, how was the bus back, what route did I take, and also congratulated on things like reversing accurately and carrying a 6Kg gas bottle on my own. When one couple told me that they always argue over whose turn it is to do things ('Madam here just sits there while I do everything'), I pointed out that I always do everything - and unless I'm going to direct criticism at Bonnie for 'just sitting there', that's the way it's going to be. No arguments there. So stop bickering.

By the time I left this morning, I'd had a guided tour of two other people's vans, a long chat with a couple from Yorkshire and another from Ayr, and directions to the next campsite right down to where the cheapest garage is for diesel on the way (Jet, Maybole). As I left, one of the women touched me on the arm and said, 'You've a big heart, hen.' I went on my way thinking how kind people are. I just hope the women aren't going to start putting Aqua-Kem Blue in their husbands' tea just to get a shot at the driving.

PS There is actually a Singles' Group part of the Caravan Club, for 'people who caravan alone for reasons of bereavement, divorce, separation, or simply through choice'. I am left wondering why someone who 'caravans alone through choice' would ever want to join a group to meet people who also want to go caravanning, thereby putting an instant stop to their pleasurable solitary activity?

PPS One thing I haven't yet done is put up my awning. I've just looked at the instructions and it involves a screwdriver, then a hacksaw and a tape measure. So I'm not going to. Not because I don't have access to such tools, or even the expertise to study the diagrams of the Italian porn star who appears to be demonstrating how to put it up (fnarr). I just can't be arsed.

PPPS Note to the Explorer Group who make my van. There are going to be more like me - look at allotments - so next time try (a) making the catch on the fridge door less stiff and (b) creating a means of releasing the travel cover of the rear gas vent that doesn't involve superhuman strength. I am available at consultancy rates to look at new models if you wish to attract more of my demographic ;-)

* I am thinking of getting a placard made for Bonnie to stick in the ground next to her when I go for a shower. It says
1) Bonnie
2) Bearded Collie, or possibly a Wheaten Terrier, what do you think?
3) 12
4) Yes I know, it's my youthful haircut
5) That's fine, I'm not allowed to have treats anyway
6) Whatever. I don't understand you. I'm a dog